The Loss and Legacy of
My Joyful Boy
Without wanting to sound hostile, it's important for me to start by saying this blog is not for you.
So why make it public? you may ask. Well because you are welcome to read it - I'll explain why in a bit, but primarily I'm writing for my own sake.
When My Joyful Boy (MJB) suddenly stopped breathing and his heart stopped (not necessarily in that order - still nobody knows) my own heart was shattered into sharp, painful fragments that have made each subsequent beat hurt in a way I never knew was possible.
His beautiful twin brother and my incredible husband have been the driving force behind my endeavour to gather the pieces of my heart back together. Although I know it can't ever be fixed, I'm hopeful that it'll begin to function in a way that'll allow me to love, hope and live in a way that would do MJB's legacy proud. (A specific post outlining just what that legacy involves will follow soon.)
The compassion, support and shared grief of my friends and family has been, and continues to be, the invaluable glue needed to hold myself together in the meantime. But as my nan keeps advising me, grief isn't something you can get around so you just have to go through it. I have to allow each crashing wave of longing, jealousy, fear and hopelessness to throw it all back up in the air only to watch on helplessly and see where it lands. This blog will aim to help me track this chaotic process - a project recommended by some of the other bereft mothers whose own published stories of love, loss and life-ongoing have spoken to me in my loneliest pit of self pity.
Why this blog?
'What a delightful topic!' You won't be thinking. Well no, it's not. Quite frankly it's shit. If bad language offends you then I apologise, but losing my precious darling son for seemingly no good reason has offended me too, so shit is fitting.
Why read on then? Why follow this blog at all? I won't attempt to convince you to. If it helps/interests you in any way, for whatever reason, to read where I'm at, where I've been and how I got here then you may. It might save me having to explain myself to every kind and caring person in my life, of which there are more than any one person deserves. But it's not an obligation, however much you love me or indeed MJB.
The only condition is that you need to respect that whatever I write here is personal to me. That means you shouldn't necessarily apply the same thoughts or feelings to anyone else, however similar the circumstances are. This isn't a guide to dealing with grief. It's just as likely to end up being a good example of how not to. It also means that you can have whatever opinions about me and what I write that you want - but it doesn't give you entitlement to tell me about them. Especially if you disagree or are offended by something I say: mind your own business and re-read the former paragraph.
My 3 month old son died suddenly leaving behind devastated parents, wider family and friends. His currently oblivious identical twin brother will one day need to learn of this loss too. Maybe this will be something he can read in the future. But for now, this is just part of my attempt to find a way through the grief and do My Joyful Boy's legacy proud. I'm hopeful that despite the awful cause of this blog, I may find some goodness in doing it. So here goes..