From one heartbroken parent to another

I was sad to receive an email from a man who had come across my blog after he and his wife had recently suffered a similar bereavement to that which we have. He asked if I had any 'expertise' to share on coping with the pain of the loss. Without knowing any of the details of their situation, I tried to reply with some suggestions of what had helped myself and S through those first unbearable days and weeks.

It occurred to me that it might be something other families could find helpful should ever they be unfortunate enough to face this horrific form of bereavement too.

Please feel free to pass this on if you think it could be of any use to someone you know. Bare in mind though, that I am speaking purely from my own personal experience and by no means expect this advise to be relevant to everyone who is grieving a child. But in the hope that to someone it might be - here's my reply:

Dear X,

Firstly let me just say, I am so extremely sorry that you and your wife have found yourselves dealing with this awful loss. I don’t know the specific details of your angel’s story but I’m sure, however it happened, it has been a heartbreaking few weeks.

I’m sorry, too, because if you’re looking for expertise - I don’t have it to give. The recent death of my son has been the first time I have ever had to face the challenge of coping with pain this huge. I’m no expert. In fact most days I’m not even sure I’m doing anything ‘right’.

However, as one heartbroken parent to another - perhaps I can recommend some of the things we found most helpful in those first few weeks? (I wouldn’t attempt to think any further ahead than that. Sometimes it’s only been possible for us to take just a minute at a time!)

I don’t know what your support network is like, but don’t hesitate to call in as many favours as you can for practical things. The emotional and physical side effects of grief can’t be underestimated - it’s exhausting. Things like having meals cooked and brought round, someone else doing the housework and buying shopping really helped us save our energy for the unavoidable tasks and arrangements we couldn’t ignore. Don’t be too proud to ask: the people around you who care will want to be useful in any way possible.

Sleep whenever you want to. Make no apology for resting at the expense of previous priorities/responsibilities. It’s tiring work carrying the weight of a loss as heavy as ours. The stuff you need to do will still be there when you have enough energy to face them. We found we would experience weird sudden rushes of energy that allowed for us to get lots done, followed by disproportionately massive energy slumps. Embrace both states when they occur: neither is a ‘better way to cope’ - but both are sometimes necessary.

Cling to your wife. There are bound to be differences in your processing and approach to grief (my husband was far more practical than I was able to be) but with whatever energy you have left over from just coping moment to moment - be kind to each other. They are the only other person in the world able to understand your specific grief and in an experience as emotionally isolating as this - that companionship is priceless.

Apparently disasters like this can be a common trigger for relationship problems, but we have found that our determination to support and lean on each other has brought us closer. We now know and love each other on a deeper level than we ever could have done before in our previous 6 ½ years of marriage. I sincerely hope for the same for you both. It doesn’t make any of this pain worthwhile - but it helps. Open and honest communication - however painful it is to express - leaves no room for resentment, misunderstandings or anger to fester.

Honour your beautiful child by preserving the things which represent their life the best way. Those things and memories, however trivial they might seem to anyone else, are like precious jewels now. Don’t rush to get rid of anything just because the pain of seeing them feels so crushingly devastating at the moment. If you need to put things away for now to deal with later - keep them somewhere safe. I have a whole box of mementos I can’t even touch because of how painful I know it will be to reflect on - but I know in the future, when the grief is less raw, they will provide a tangible connection to my son that will be so comforting.

Do it your way. Nothing will feel ‘right’ but some things feel less wrong than the other options. Apart from your wife, you owe no one else any explanation for the way you find it easiest to deal with things. Everyone has their own ideas of what grief should look like, but no one has the formula for successful grief figured out so ignore anyone trying to direct you away from what you feel is the best approach. For me - the fundamental values I’ve had to hang onto, despite whatever mood/physical state I’m in at the time, have been: prioritising my marriage, honouring my baby in the most positive way I’m capable of at the time, and keeping faith that their life’s legacy is still beautiful enough a reason to hang on when everything else seems hopeless.

Finally, and I’m reluctant to mention it because I’m not actually that confident on where I stand on the whole issue myself anymore, but if you have a spiritual faith - use it. If you don’t, but think it might help, pursue it. My church community have been an amazing source of support and, although at the moment I have lots of doubts and uncertainties, I just know that my son is safe, peaceful, joyful and complete. I trust he’s in heaven with a good God who knows him, loves him, and is grieving our loss just as deeply as we are.

For what it’s worth, whatever your religious background, I believe that’s true for your child too.

Call me delusional, but I just know that there must be more to this broken world than what we are able to see and understand now. If it’s something you’re interested in exploring, I can recommend great faith leaders who are non-judgemental, inclusive and always willing to provide compassionate support.

Please don’t feel obligated to keep contact, but if it helps to reply and communicate with me via email, I’m open to sharing more of our own experience if it would be helpful to you. I’ve found writing a great tool for emotional expression, so if you just need to vent somewhere safe - I’d happily be a sounding board for any of yours or your wife's feelings/concerns/questions.

There will be no full-recovery from this, but it will eventually get better in its own time. As my Nan would say - there’s no getting around grief, so we’ll just have to go through it.

Sending hugs and heartfelt sympathies,

L